| I once bought a boat. Not because I was an avid | | | | heart that required inordinate amounts of courage. |
| sailor. Even the word "keel' eluded me when | | | | Because we had a child or perhaps because of |
| discussing the attributes of the exquisite blue | | | | my own lack of self-esteem I was even willing to |
| water yacht I had my heart set on. | | | | give up yet another of my hearts desires---my |
| I wasn't a fisherman. I really had no desire to | | | | new-found retreat space. |
| learn to fish except perhaps as a means of | | | | Upon making the decision give it up "for the |
| survival should I ever really learn to sail and take | | | | cause" my body immediately spiraled downward |
| my pending retreat space out to the nearby | | | | into a deep space of grief accompanied by |
| islands. | | | | heaviness in my body that mirrored the heaviness |
| I just needed a place to get away from it all. | | | | in my heart. I knew I might never recover from |
| Something centrally located, yet non-congested. | | | | what would be an obvious regret in my life, yet |
| Someplace where I could hear the foghorn | | | | another time when I allowed someone else to |
| instead of someone elses' TV. | | | | choose my path because of his fears. |
| My inner guidance connected me with this boat. | | | | But anger came to the rescue this time and |
| And even though it meant the world to me, the | | | | snapped me out of it. My brother and husband |
| one person in my life who was supposed to know | | | | decided that I assuredly must have been |
| me better than anyone just didn't get it. | | | | experiencing an early mid-life crisis, possibly even |
| It was becoming increasingly apparent that he | | | | a nervous breakdown of sorts. |
| just didn't get me. | | | | So, my brother who doesn't know me at all (as |
| Another ten years into my journey I would | | | | an adult) and my husband of 5 years agreed on |
| deeply appreciate the truth, that anyone who did | | | | this narrow minded assessment of what I knew |
| really get me would get a whole lot. A lot of good | | | | to be one of the best decisions of my life. That |
| and wonderful beyond their expectations. But the | | | | morning when I ran to see the sunrise, I received |
| right of passage to this treasure required a | | | | the inspiration I needed. I decided to buy the boat |
| willingness to learn to love, a willingness to learn to | | | | anyway, trusting I would find a way to pay the |
| communicate with an open heart and a willingness | | | | monthly slip fees and trusting I would even be |
| to keep your heart open when you get scared | | | | able to acquire a slip in the coveted Santa Barbara |
| and every ancient defense mechanism within says | | | | Harbor. |
| run the other way or at the very least shut | | | | Upon committing to this decision I ran as if my |
| down! | | | | feet weren't even touching the ground. |
| But in those days, I still wanted to try every | | | | My body felt light again. My heart felt alive again. |
| method under the sun to be understood and | | | | Could there be any question that this was the |
| therefore loved enough that my significant other | | | | right decision for me? |
| would in fact be willing to learn these skills of the | | | | |